Toilet Talk

Okay, I know what you're thinking......but this is really good. I'm serious. Stay with me here, especially females. I think maybe guys can relate to some of this as well.............I have had a lot to say about public bathrooms for a long time....and now, well, it's just piled up so much in my mind, I have to let it out somewhere........so here goes............First of all, I really have a problem with stall doors that open IN. Most public bathrooms I've been in are about big enough for Barbie to fit in. You have to straddle the pot to get in and straddle it to get out. Now getting in, you simply step in, shut the door behind you then back up and turn around and start taking care of business. Getting OUT however, requires a little more trust in what is hanging out on the sides of that commode. I mean, if you didn't pay attention coming IN, you really need to make sure you spread 'em wide enough and aim right when you are straddling the pot while backing up, or else you'll be headed to the cleaners after you leave the store. or truck stop. Why can't they just make the dam door open out? I mean, are we leaving that stall so fast we might slam that door open fast enough to really give someone a concussion? I think not. Well,I take that back, sometimes those things flush SCARY fast. I lost a bra down one of 'em once from the suction that pot caused. I guess that could make one leave pretty fast. Kind of like the 12 foot leap we did as kids, SNAP THAT LIGHT SWITCH OFF AND JUMP IN BED BEFORE THE LIGHT ACTUALLY GOES OUT so the monster under the bed doesn't get you.............Flush that pot and get out before it sucks you in...........Next order of business: the handicap stall. This is a joke. Whoever designs these things has NEVER been on crutches, a walker or in a wheelchair. When I had my hip surgery was when I really took notice of these haphazardly designed spaces. When you have a situation, say with your hip being replaced, there are certain motions you cannot MAKE for 6-8 weeks. Bending sideways half way down to China is one. Why in HECK do they put the toilet paper rolls practically on the floor??? To make 'em easy to reach??? Yeah, for the roaches maybe. But I ain't never seen a roach wipe his ass. Try putting the 3 foot wide roll UP above our heads so we don't have to get a second surgery from trying to bend sideways to unroll that puppy. And HERE'S a brilliant thought. If you are going to put a full roll in that weighs enough so that a fork lift had to get it in there to begin with, make it thicker than rice paper so we can actually GET a decent length without having to rip off sections no bigger than our pinkie fingers. I mean, just tonight, I had the pleasure of entering a newly cleaned stall, pine fresh scent and all, but by the time I got enough to wipe with, (pull a little, break a little off, pull a little.............) I could have whipped my leg up and used the HAND DRYER. Uh, I'd like to get OUT of here before EASTER rolls around again, thank you....................Now for the sink. Okay, you actually want us to USE this appliance, right???? How about not installing a faucet that uses jet force power to shoot the water up my nose???? I mean, you turn these things on and FFFFWWWISSSHHHHH............there you are, you look like you are on your way to a wet t-shirt contest. I know we all want to conserve water, but c'mon this is ridiculous!!!!! I just spent $34.99 at Lane Bryant to wear this frickin shirt to this fancy schmancy party one time, and now I look like I just came out of the car wash. Thanks. Why do they put soap dispensers in there????? Has anyone ever actually gotten soap out of one??? I mean, there are guys that drive around in trucks halfway across the state just to refill that thing. I know. I have a friend south of Indy that used to do just that. These stores and gas stations pay big money to have the contract with that place down south to come and put more paper towel in the dispenser, soap in the pump and hey, don't forget that 40 pound roll of rice paper in the handicap stall. And make sure the guy who makes $3.95 an hour at Walmart doesn't do it! that soap dispenser driver guy that makes $19.85 is a union boy and if you do his job, you will get sued. No, I'll just call the service desk on my cell phone and drip dry while I wait for them to call the chap from Indy to come fill my toilet paper. OH, and one more thing............you actually want me to USE that cute little handy dandy wastebasket in the stall for my sanitary products, right? You know the one that looks like a cute little retro garbage can with the swinging lid.............well, you gotta empty it once in awhile..................I found my grandma's belted KOTEX in there and she's been DEAD for 13 years...........................alrighty then.............. Okay, I feel better now. Happy flushing...................